I was at a book signing earlier this evening for Andrea Syrtash, who is a dating coach and author. After reading from her new book, she mentioned something interesting that got me thinking. According to her experience, men and women fall in love differently—they have completely different processes. Not like Men are From Mars different, but still. She said a guy usually knows pretty much from the start whether he could fall in love. A girl may need more time before she realizes what is happening.

She said if you were to ask a guy if he could fall in love with a girl, he knows pretty much from the start of the relationship whether or not he could. No amount of dating will change his mind to make him more attracted to her. The girl however, could start falling for him after developing a friendship or casually dating a long time. A year or so later, she could wake up and think “I might be falling for this guy.” It happens slowly enough that it can surprise her.

I was discussing this with my boyfriend, who said that he doesn’t think it’s necessarily a gender issue, but rather whether or not the person really knows what she wants. More specifically, if she knows herself well enough to recognize what she wants, and who would make a good partner. It takes some people longer than others. That idea makes sense to me, because self-awareness matters as much as timing. Sometimes the delay is about clarity, not confusion.

Now, first I should clarify. There is a difference between feeling a lot of chemistry and quickly falling into a physical relationship compared to falling in love. Sure, we develop crushes and we lust. But falling in love in a real way, with the intention of pursuing a long-term relationship, is different. I do think it’s a different process for women. For me personally, it takes a while to build trust. I have to have a friendship first, which means it takes me longer to figure things out.